Web-Slinging ASS!

Well I'm alive and kicking, and finally got another review up. I'm STILL in the works of Recording Folklore.. sorry it's taking so long... but if you ever played this ASS of a game, you'd see why too. I haven't played it in four days. But you'll eventually see that one up, and it will, of course, be my first video review I do. But back to this review;

I had originally planned to make spider-man 3 my video review, but turns out my 6 HOURS OF PLAY didn't turn out right on the tape. So I decided to just rip into the old fashion way. [But I realize I took your title and changed it <3].

Ok, now I'v never been a fan of spider-man. A sissy who got bit by a spider, turned into a mutant, and somehow landed a smokin' hot redhead. That just doesn't happen. But this game REALLY completed my hatred.

Ok, this game, I WILL ADMIT, had alright graphics for a spider-man game, considering past games. But the game was a repetative button mashing nightmare. You start off, in the city where you can pick from one of a few missions. Being me, wanting to see if MJ was smokin' hot in this game, went straight for the mission called "Mary Janes Thrill Ride". At this point I was hoping for either a REALLY big rollercoaster somehow running through the town, or some porn. I was hoping more for the porn. But it turns out, I got neither. PETER IS THE MOST PUSSY-WHIPPED PERSON IN THE WORLD! And Mary Jane Is The LAZIEST person in the world. She actually has her OWN SET OF MISSONS, where Peter is her personal TAXI! You ACTUALLY have to swing around and take her where she wants to go. But THEN You have to actually do what she SAYSm such as swing low, swing faster, go higher etc. Well in the middle when she just screams "Go faster peter!" seems like I should be set to see some sex, but no. There we're more and more after these, and everytime I hoped for porn, but I got screwed.

Besides him being pussy-whipped, there are three main gangs. Arsenic Candy, The Apocolypse, and Order of the dragon tail, which sounds like a friggen chinese food restauraunt. Arsenic Candy are a bunch of girls who are in the midst of angst. They run around in a gothic maid uniform and beat the shit out of you with umbrellas. They also throw teddy bears that are bombs at you, and occasionally, you will find one of them weilding a 700 pound hammer thats longer then they are. Then you have The Apocolypse, which are a bunch of guys in the midst of angst. They actually look like they've been pumping radio active shit into them cause most of them look distorted and covered in tattoos. Oh yeah, and there weapons are, fists, and STREET SIGNS! The other is The Order Of the dragon Tail. Now these guys are just friggen rediculous. They pull off the craziest martial arts shit off and still kick your ass. Not to mention they somehow manage to appear out of URNS. And never stop coming until you destory the urns. All they use are fists and every part of there body.

Now besides them, there are pety criminals running amuck in the city, and you can just swing around, find them and kick there asses. Earns you some ranking thing that I never understood. And you of course, can't count on the cops to stop them.

From the start of this game, you are taught about the stupid little timing puzzles. It will go into a scene of spider-man swinging by himself, and you have to hit a button or he'll mess up, and then you gotta do it over and over until you get them all right. Now these are so amazingly stupid, because you have to have some superhuman reflexs to hit them all the time. The one upside, is if you don't hit the button you usually get to see spider-man get his shit fucked up when a piece of ceiling crushed him, or he swings into the side of a building. And these go on through the ENTIRE GAME.

There are also the timing puzzles, which have to do with bombs. You spend 5 minutes going through little button mini-games trying to difuse the bomb. These are ok at first, until you realize almost every single mission you do entails stopping a bomb. After awhile it gets a BIT repetative.

Now I know im just ripping on things in the game and not the storyline, so im being unfair. Well here's the storyline;

Well the story line branches off into so many fucking areas in hard to pinpoint, cause theres billions of different missions which all blow chunks. The MAIN one, which took me about an hour to think of, is the scorpion ones that show up a bit later in the game. I don't know what other ones there are, cause after 6 hours of playing the game, I stopped playing it because I Was afraid I Was going to get a tumor or cancer. But, for the most part, it was chasing after some scientist woman to try and free scorpion from a mind control device. And of course, to do that. You have to knock the shit out of him.

OK! I HAVE TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST! YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUGE TIGHT SECURITY LAB! YOUR AVOIDING LAZERS AND GUARDS! Up ahead is a laser field, so you gotta beat the crap out of the guard and hit the button to deactivate them. Guess what this does? IT OPENS A MINIGAME IN WHICH, YOU ARE SCORPION, KILLING GUARDS! How fucking DUMB is that?! Your in the middle of sneaking around, so you play a fucking mini-game? This is something that made me stop playing, it was just SO stupid.

Throughout the game, you play as spider-man, and the venom suit spider-man. And there are also little missions you can play as new goblin.

New Goblin: Ok. When I first unlocked him I almost shit my pants. I thought it was going to be the SWEETEST thing ever. And whats cooler! You got to control him with SIXAXIS!! So I used his little gas thingy and flew around a bit. Only thing was it was impossible to control, and when you used his boost you couldn't steer him at all. I actually got so pissed off i hrew my controller on my bed, and it landed on my blanket pointing up. So I came back in, and he was about 8000 feet in the air! It took like 5 minutes to fly down. And when you use him, you have different enemies to fight. And he of course, being bad ass and all, has swords that he attacks with. The only problem is everytime you swing, they block and you do no damage. The only ACTUAL way to kill them, is to throw BOMBS at them, which kill them instantly. But thats all luck since you can't aim them. He's got to be the WORST character in the history of any game.

The venom suit spidey is pretty bad ass, cause hes alot stronger. But he did shine in one part. The only part I had liked out of the game, and even still I was disappointed.

When you fight Sandman for the first time, your underground. The only thing Sandman did was pull out a shield and mace made of sand, and attacked. But this was avoidable by just moving away from him and he'd put it away. But during this fight Peter seems like a very angry person, and he just WHOOPS SANDMANS ASS! It wasn't very epic considering it was so easy, but when it came to the button timing puzzle shit, it got good. He actually throws him infront of a moving subway car! Then he throws him against a few pipes and somehow manages to rip apart a cast iron 8,000,000 gallon water pipe which just takes sandman god knows where. This was the ONLY good part.

It was around after this I had stopped playing, because the game suched so horribly. Im sure there are a couple more up sides to the game, but I aint putting myself through cancer treatment to play this ass game.

This game just made me never want to play the game series ever again. And you know, when the movie sucks, you can't make a good game based on it, you jus't cant. If you get this game, I advise you to do 2 things. Watch spidey get fucked up during timing puzzles, and find the highest building in the game and jump off it and you'll see him smoke the ground.

This ends my review, of the second worst game for the PS3. I know this was a single player review, but give me a break :P.